You are NOT alone.. I hope you can relate. I am always writing. I write in my mind as I am waking up in the morning, as I drive to work everyday and even as I lay my head down to sleep. I am even haunted by post it notes, from my “jottings” in hopes to remember. Why is it that when I sit down and put pen to paper, I go blank! It brings such a feeling of defeat. Why can’t I remember? I often will close my notebook and walk away but then I find myself completely distracted and it’s all I can think about.
Last night I spent hours reading other peoples blogs and I kept saying to myself; “I wish I could write like this”… (why do we do that?)
As I read them, I wondered if people felt impacted by my writing like I did theirs. I began to ask myself, why I write? Often, I feel alone in this pursuit and find a little comfort in remembering the prophet Jeremiah as he shared his heart all that time ago. I remind myself, “I’m not alone”, I tell myself, “there has to be a reason”.
Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay. Jeremiah 20:9
Trying to express what it’s like to walk with this Song in my heart on paper seems simple when it’s in my mind but when I try and write it out to bring clarity or peace to someone who stumbles across my blog, it seems impossible. I think it’s because I know the mind of an unbeliever and I can almost argue my case before I even get it out.
I wasn’t looking for God or Jesus, He just came in my life and that was that. Like a light switch from darkness to light forever changing my life. How do you explain that kind of hope to someone who is hopeless or has even prayed to God for help? It’s really, really hard. Yet I am constantly stirred to write about Him, I seem to become almost physically affected by the need to release what’s in my heart. I have often found myself sitting, staring off into space when i’m supposed to be listening to someone talk or I start to shuffle through my worship playlist for hours trying to find the perfect tunes to soothe the ache within me.
It feels like fire…..
And when the stars align and I seem to be finally flowing in a writing rhythm, my face often gets red and flushed and I forget to take breaths as I write. It sometimes feels like I can’t take a breath until the sentence before me or the paragraph is complete. There have even been a few times I have written something difficult and once I have finished it, I cried.
Since I was a child, I would imagine myself sitting in some beautiful serene place writing my heart out. I loved to read books and even imagined someday, I would be an award winning author. I guess I always loved the way it felt when an author could reach in and open doors in my heart that I didn’t realize were closed. I wanted to do the same for others! And the truth is I still do.
It wasn’t until about 7 years ago when I encountered the LOVE of God that my desire to write became a relentless pursuit. For me it has become a form of worship; I guess I tell myself that someplace, somewhere there is someone that will read what I wrote and that door will open for the Glory of God to pour out His wonder.
My heart bursts its banks, spilling beauty and goodness. I pour it out in a poem to the king, shaping the river into words. Psalm 45:1