I am not even sure how to begin this entry, as this is a hard subject for many.
First of all I am going to ask that you hear my heart. I am just a normal woman who has lived a part of her life in secret pain and darkness, and am now walking in a marvelous light.
Let me explain…
I’d been holding in darkness since I was a child. I remember several years ago in a heated conversation with my siblings, one of them told me, “Your always changing” (of course I knew that what they were really saying is that they didn’t know me anymore) and to me they were just confirming what I knew all along….
I was running from my reality and when I’d mess up AGAIN in that fairytale of a reality I’d “change” again.
I remember as a kid, watching MTV & VH1. I’d watch Alanis Morsette sing “Isn’t it ironic” and I would fill my heart with anger and later stand in front of the mirror, let my hair down to cover part of my face, slap on a choker necklace, as to say “yeah, I’m mad and rebellious like Alanis” I would watch Lisa Loeb sing “STAY” and I’d feel this desperation in me that I had to be JUST LIKE HER! (She understood me) ha!
“Man”, my self-worth was such a muffled foggy image. In high school I had this nagging need to be accepted after moving to a new town with no friends. I had sex with my high school boyfriend and I drank to fit in. I struggled academically and didn’t develop as soon as most kids my age, so I always felt I had to one up the other chicks. Sadly, I remember the pain/regret from all of these experiences; I would lie and cheat and manipulate, meanwhile just bleed internally from the regret of my actions…. I regretted so many things even in those moments and there was nothing (I) could do about it.
Eventually I was able to chill out a bit and settle down with a man who loved me and treated me like a queen. The only way to push down the reality that I was still running from was to smoke pot every day, while taking anxiety, depression and pain medication.
For so long, I hurt so many people along the way…
I am not sharing this to shock or confuse you, I am simply being transparent because people see me now and they think I have no clue what it is like to hurt/be hurt or live with regretful mistakes…. (The above is just the bottom of the barrel)
So to describe me, I am a very “colorful” person. I am a walking canvas of body art and usually sport glitter and long eyeliner framing my big eye balls. I am awkward and even though I’ve been known to preach in front of crowds, I am super anxious and quiet when lots of people are around. I love who I am, I have fears and anxieties but I challenge myself to push through them every day. For example (writing this).
Me, (before Christ), found this twisted comfort in being (SEEN) I loved the attention from others, from the camera, from the pictures, from the “Scene” Come-on! I don’t know one girl who doesn’t. And if you say you don’t take selfies to get attention because you think you look pretty, you are a liar!
Anyway, it felt awesome to be asked if I was a model during a photo shoot, or walking around at a car show. The only problem was that when It was all said and done; I felt empty and kind of hollow until the next “event”, “party”, “social whatever” and again there I was numbing my feelings away… and like always, once the music stopped and I slept it off there I was again just feeling one heartache after the other until the next “thing” that would fill me with “purpose”.
Then in 2011 in fell to my knees at the altar of a church I didn’t know, and I was radically touched by the love of God. Suddenly I felt as though I awoke from a coma. Literally, the world was more colorful and my perspective completely flipped. It’s been an amazing journey and every time I take a look back to what was before I am just super humbled and grateful for the grace on my life to be here. So many times I was in situations that should have taken my life but didn’t. Now I know why….
The other night I was in what some would call a dark place, I was rocking out to my friends band and the Holy Spirit began to talk to me..ohhh man if there were words to explain…
Picture this if you can. There was me standing in a dark crowded room filled with people laughing, dancing, drinking, eating… bodies just moving perfectly to the beat of the music….my man’s got his arm around my neck and suddenly everything slows down, I’m seeing it all in slow motion, but instead of seeing the faces of the people around me laughing and hanging on each other, my eyes are glued to the people who pass in front of me; their smiles are falling as their turning away from their friends, from the bar, from the dance floor. Their faces are heavy and look to be in pain. Even one girl leans against me because she is so drunk she can’t stand up on her own. My heart is breaking, the Lord directs my eyes to this older woman, I am going to say she was probably in her late 50’s, she was dancing as if there were strings attached to her arms and legs, her jaw was hanging like it was too heavy to close her mouth and her eyes had such black rings around them.
She looked so tired…. Sooooo exhausted and almost like she wanted to stop dancing to catch her breath but with each string yanked on that big base, another arm would fly up and another leg would pull forward to catch her exhausted body. When the music would stop for the next song to start she would sit down, practically throwing herself into the chair and sure enough as soon as the next song began and the wooden stick would hit the drum; it was as if the music would reach and pull her up by the neck and land her on her feet to dance according to the commands of the beat.
Suddenly I’m startled because a drink spills on my feet from someone on the dance floor and my attention was directed to another group of ladies all young and beautiful, holding drinks in one hand taking selfies with the other, and I saw the same strings on them……. My heart broke even more, I looked back at the older woman and this time she was accompanied by three other woman who looked to be around the same age and they too were TIRED……
I almost couldn’t bare it! It took all of my hope not to cry. I wanted to grab these younger girls and beg them to surrender their self inflicted pain. The only thing I could do was try and lock eyes with the ones who turned my way and love them with my eyes. Not only was I overcome with the fact that once upon a time this was me, but I was overcome with the heart of the Father and all I could do was pray inside my head.
I began to think about scripture that would talk about why Jesus would hang out in all the dark places. Or why he would hang out with “BAD” people. Most people get all offended when they hear the word “bad” but do you know the definition of bad? It means unpleasant, unsatisfactory, unacceptable, imperfect, careless and miserable. Aren’t we all these things every now and then? No one is perfect! Not even a Christian!
Maybe by this point in my story you are saying to yourself, “I’ve gone too far!” “God can’t possibly forgive what I have done” etc. Do you not think that God is aware of your struggle, or of your pain? Do you wonder, “If God is so good that why do these things happen?”
In the the book of Joel chapter 2 v. 11, Joel speaks of a demonic army that is strong and missions against God’s people who are immersed in sin. This is an army that devours us! It leaves nothing but desolation and destruction. The sinner has no sword that is effective against it.
One satanic worm after another devoured your life: “that which the palmerworm hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten” Joel 1:4.
Every coke bag, heroin needle, pill, you name it, is a locust, a cankerworm.
“The vine is dried up and the fig tree languish…even all the trees of the field are withered…. Joy is withered away” Joel 1:10,12.
Joel is describing the older woman I saw in the dark place. He was describing the younger ladies falling on each other in drunkenness. Maybe you’re reading this and your thinking “if God is really able to deliver me from my mess; then how can I ever repay Him or live with what I have done?
In Joel chapter two, it says that God will make it all up to YOU!
(In the words of my teenage son, “Wait what?!” He will make it up to me? All the wasted years?, all the mistakes? All the people I hurt and who hurt me?
He says walk before me in righteousness, and turn from your sins, and I will make up the losses, whether they were yours, your families or Mine!”
This is what He does, He brings forth in us a supernatural joy, revelation, peace and victory-far beyond our human abilities! He can accomplish more in us, for us and through us now than we ever thought possible.
You and I were NOT meant to be puppets. Cut the strings, repent and be free, be who you were always meant to be.