I am not even sure how to begin as this is a hard subject for many. First of all I am going to ask that you hear my heart. I am just a normal woman who has lived a part of her life in pain and darkness and a now I am living from a place of His Glory.
I can get all preachy and claim the name of Jesus declaring this and that, but instead I am just going to speak from my heart; breakthrough for me came when I decided I could not change my current circumstances on my own, I was tired.
After all, I’d been holding in darkness since I was a child. I remember several years ago in a heated conversation with my siblings one of them told me, “Your always changing” (of course they were speaking from their heart’s that they didn’t even know me anymore) but to me they were just confirming what I knew all along…. I was running from my reality and when I’d mess up AGAIN in that fairytale of a reality I’d “change” again.
I remember watching MTV & VH1 when I was a tween and I’d watch Alanis Morsette sing “Isn’t it ironic” and Id fill my heart with anger and I’d later be in the mirror and id let my hair down to cover part of my face and slap on a choker necklace as to say “yeah, I’m mad and rebellious like Alanis” I’d watch Lisa Loeb sing “STAY” and I’d feel this desperation in me that I had to be JUST LIKE HER! (She understood me) ha!
Man my idea of self-worth was so muffled in a foggy image.Then later in high school I always felt a need to be accepted after moving to a new town. I’d have sex with my boyfriend and I’d drink to fit in. I developed later than most so I always felt I had to one up the other chicks. I can remember the pain from all of this, I would lie and cheat and manipulate meanwhile just hurt and hurt and hurt…. So many things that I regretted even in those moments and there was nothing (I) could do about it. Eventually I was able to chill out a bit and settle down with a man who loved me and treated me like a queen. The only way to push down the reality that I was still running from was to smoke pot every day and take anxiety, depression and pain medication.
I hurt myself and I hurt so many people along the way…Now: I am not sharing this to shock or confuse you, I am simply being transparent because people see me now and my life the way it is and they think I have no clue what it is to hurt/be hurt or make regretful mistakes…. (The above is just the bottom of the barrel)
Also the above is not to glorify my story it’s to help you understand my heart right now……
Here goes: So to describe me, I am a very “colorful” person. I am a walking canvas of body art and usually sport glitter and long eyeliner framing my big eye balls. I wear what some would call “retro” eye glasses and I never match lol. I’m am awkward and even though I’ve been known to preach in front of crowds, I am super anxious and quiet when lots of people are around. I love who I am, I have fears and anxieties but I challenge myself to push through them every day. For example (writing this). NOW <this> is me , today 2015!
Me bc. (before Christ) I found this twisted comfort in being (SEEN) I loved the attention from others, from the camera, from the pictures, from the “Scene” Come-on! I don’t know one girl who doesn’t. And if you say you don’t take selfies to get attention because you think you look pretty, you are a liar! I’m just keeping it real . Anyway it was nice and all to be asked if I was a model during pictures being taken or walking around at a car show. The only problem was that when It was all said and done; I was empty and kind of hollow till the next “event”, “party”, “social whatever” and again there I was drinking myself stupid… and again once the music stopped and I slept it off there I was again just feeling one heart beat after the other until the next “thing” that would fill me with “purpose”.
Then in 2011 in fell to my knees at the altar of a church I didn’t know and I was radically touched by the love of God. Suddenly I felt as though I awoke from a coma. Literally the world was more colorful and my perspective completely flipped. It’s been an amazing experience and every time I have taken a look back to what was before I am just super humbled and grateful for the grace on my life to be here. So many times i was in situations that should have taken my life but didn’t. Now I know why….
The other night I was in what some would call a dark place, I was rocking out to my friends band and the Holy Spirit began to talk to me..ohhh man if there were words to explain.
Picture this if you can. There was me standing in a dark crowded room filled with people laughing, dancing, drinking, eating… bodies just moving perfectly to the beat of the music….my man’s got his arm around my neck and suddenly everything slows down, I’m seeing it all in slow motion but instead of seeing the masks of the people around me laughing and hanging on each other, my eyes are glued to the people who pass in front of me; their smiles are falling as their turning away from their friends, from the bar, from the dance floor. Their faces are heavy and look to be in pain. Even one girl leans against me because she is so drunk she can’t stand up on her own. Then as my heart is breaking the Lord directs my eyes to this older woman, I am going to say she was probably in her 50’s, she was dancing as if there were strings attached to her arms and legs, her jaw was hanging like it was too heavy to close her mouth and her eyes had such black rings around them. She looked so tired…. Sooooo exhausted and almost like she wanted to stop dancing to catch her breath but with each string yanked on that big base another arm would fly up and another leg would pull forward to catch her exhausted body. When the music would stop for the next song to start she would sit down practically throwing herself into the chair and sure enough as soon as the next song began and the wooden stick would hit the drum ,it was as if the music would reach and pull her up by the neck and land her on her feet to dance according to the commands of the beat.
Then a drink spilled on my feet from someone on the dance floor and my attention was directed to another group of ladies all young and beautiful, holding drinks in one hand taking selfies with the other and I saw the same strings on them……. My heart broke; I looked back at the older woman and this time she was accompanied by three other woman who looked to be around the same age and they too were TIRED……. I almost couldn’t bare it! It broke my heart! I wanted to grab these younger girls and beg them to surrender all. The only thing I could do was try and lock eyes with the ones who turned my way and love them. Not only was I overcome with the fact that once upon a time this was me but I was overcome with the heart of the Father and all i could do was pray. I began to think about scripture that would talk about why Jesus would hang out in all the dark places. Or why he would hang out with “BAD” people. People get all offended when they hear the word “bad” but do you know the definition of bad it means unpleasant, unsatisfactory, unacceptable, imperfect, careless and miserable. Aren’t we all these things every now and then? No one is perfect! Not even a Christian.
Have you ever thought, “ I’ve gone too far!” “God can’t possibly forgive me” etc? Do you not think that God is aware of your struggle, of your pain? Do you wonder ; if God is so good that why do these things happen?….
In the the book of Joel chapter 2 v. 11 Joel speaks of a demonic army that is strong and missions against God’s people who are immersed in sin. This is an army that devours us! It leaves nothing but desolation and destruction. The sinner has no sword that is effective against it!
One satanic worm after another devoured your life: “that which the palmerworm hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten” Joel 1:4.
Every coke bag, heroin needle, pill etc… was a locust, a cankerworm. “The vine is dried up and the fig tree languish…even all the trees of the field are withered…. Joy is withered away” Joel 1:10,12.
Joel is describing the older woman I saw in the dark place. He was describing the younger ladies falling on each other in drunkenness. Maybe you’re reading this and your thinking “if God was really able to deliver me from my mess; then how could I ever repay Him or live with what I have done?
In Joel chapter two it says that God will make it all up to YOU!
(what??!!) He will make it up to me? All the wasted years, He says walk before me in righteousness, and turn from your sins-and I will make up the losses, whether they were yours, your families or Mine!”
If you’re asking how, how, how? This is what He does, He brings forth in us a supernatural joy, revelation, peace and victory-far beyond our human abilities! He can accomplish more in us, for us and through us now than we ever thought possible!
I met a woman the other day at work who recognized the Spirit if Christ in me and she felt to share her testimony with me. She told me she was 55 years old when she surrendered her life to Christ and now at 83 years old she is a restored fire ball of light! Her spirit just brightened the whole room when she walked in; Praise be to God our father who loves us with an everlasting love!